What Are You Waiting For?

I know some of you can attest to this and that’s why I have decided to write about it in hopes to, leave you inspired. Often times, hearing the same message from strangers gets our wheels moving versus hearing it from those who know us well. I think that it is a poor decision to go to what’s familiar because we get the same responses. Even if the response is good, it still leaves us in the same spot we were in before consulting their advice.

As I was thinking about what to write next, I had to draw from what I have been experiencing lately. Through my experience, I kept asking myself, “what are you waiting for?” I like to think that I am a go-getter and once I make a plan I execute and get it done; however, it doesn’t always work like that. I become mentally stagnant and it isn’t until I see someone doing what I’ve always dreamed of where my flame gets lit. Why does it have to take that though? I’m not sure, it works for me, even if I am a little envious. Instead of searching the minds of others for questions like the one posed for the title of this post, I drag it out of my own mind.

See that’s the thing, we ask for advice when we already know the answer. But somewhere inside we have hope that someone can tell us something different than what we have been pondering about for days, weeks at a time. As I think of all that I want to do, I ask, “what are you waiting for?” For me, I’m always waiting for someone to give me the cue that I’m good to go, or that my ideas are appetizing, or that my dreams seem reachable. I literally set myself up for failure when I do that. Here I am asking folks that don’t have the passion I have. They don’t carry the vision for my life, nor do they light their own flames. But why, why do I need them to validate what keeps me up at night?

I’ll admit, I’m still on the search. I’m on the search for self. Learning to deviate from the norms and just continue to tap into what sets my soul ablaze, free. You know how good that feels when you try it and see that you succeed? I started asking myself this question because I want to travel, but I want to travel solo. In this stage in my life, I’m tapping into my purpose and I realllllly cannot afford distractions. One way that really helps me along this journey is traveling. Often, I like to travel when I need to make big decisions or allow my mind to see clearly. It’s something about being in the unknown where we find the answers. I know that may be deep for some, but for me, it works every time. I literally need to be placed in an unfamiliar environment to feel and hear the functions of my inner man.

If all that sounds good and dandy, “what am I waiting for?” I’m still getting to that but I hope this leaves you asking the same question. Why not just apply for that job, call that number on the back of the card, take that solo trip, move to that new state, leave all things familiar behind to embrace and find your tribe? Will you continue to wait or just go for it? Let me know ☺️

Transitions Are Hard

Another morning session where I have smeared mascara because I have to talk about the difficulties of specific areas of my life. Discussing how I have spent the last three months just wanting to quit everything because of this season of transition and isolation. Not only have the last three months been hard, but this year alone was one of the toughest I’ve had. Literally could not catch a break, just one thing right after another and it all just continued to repeat. We all question it and I think we will for the rest of our lives, “why do bad things happen to good people?”

When we are faced with difficulty, no matter to what extent, we look inwards. “What did I do or not do” may be a question that plagues you as it did for me. I asked that of myself all too often and it got so damn tiring. What happens when the answer isn’t you at all? Can I find any reason to put myself to blame, I often thought.

I had to transition. I could no longer be a follower –  I never played that role too well anyway. Not a follower in a sense of doing exactly what someone else is doing, but being in all the wrong places with all of the wrong people. Engaging in activities and conversations that did not serve me well, and honestly went against anything I ever stood for.

I’m sitting here, in the most comfortable seat ever, just bawllllliiinnnng my eyes out because I have to be uncomfortable with the fact that being me is gonna cause isolation. Isolation from those I once knew and deading the ideas I had to take them with me to the top.

She said, “you know you’re a leader and its often hard to be at the top. It’s really lonely at the top Ty. You got things to do in this world, in which you will be successful, but this is the bottom where you are and have to go through – its all a part of the process.”

Ugh! I hate this part – those words were great and all, but this shit is hard! I have to keep climbing even though I’m just tired.

I got distracted by the expectations. I was building a tribe full of individuals that were half-assed invested and disloyal, of course, it didn’t survive. That wasn’t my tribe, and here’s yet another thing I have to transition from.  I could ramble on and on about how I am uncomfortable in this season, but I am learning something incredible – the art of it all.

See here’s the thing, you don’t go through the storms in life and not see the sunshine at the end. Everything happens for a reason and it prepares you for what’s to come. Nothing about being removed from your comfort zone into loneliness is exciting, but its needed right now because of where you’re headed. I needed the storms to humble and prepare me. I have no idea where I’m going and what I’ll be doing, but I know its WAAAY bigger than me. I like to live simply and I hardly ask for much, but these gifts that I carry on the inside requires me to be a little stronger and wiser.

 

Toxic Relationships That We Love

I am sure we all have some experiences of being involved in toxic relationships that were difficult to get rid of. Not by force, but because we actually LOVED those relationships. I know it may sound crazy to love something that is not good for you -the truth is we do it every day. From what we eat to the things that we do to our bodies. This has been an area of my life that held me captive for a long time.

Sure, I asked myself over a thousand times “why do I like being a part of these toxic relationships?” Now when I mention “relationships” I do not mean just romantic but friendships as well. Whew! Not only did it take one, but about three toxic relationships later when I was able to understand why I did. Believe it or not, it was because of hope. I had hope as small as a mustard seed that things would be different or that I could change him/her. But that hope was hiding the root, which was fear.

Yep, I said it fear! I was afraid to let go because I did not think it could get any better for me. I use to say things like, “this is as good as it gets Ty, suck it up and take it or be alone.” Some of you who will read this and know me personally may be surprised that I struggled. I struggled with this fear because I could never fit in. Tried dating the brotha with the gangsta lean, tried befriending the baddest chicks, tried to keep up because I was afraid to stand alone and be different.

How did I get out and make it through? I got tired, and you will too! I got tired of trying to squeeze my square into a circle. I got tired of investing in relationships/friendships that did not serve me well. I became so damn restless, it almost killed me. Matter of fact it did, well parts of me. It killed my dreams, hopes, and desires, I gave it all too much power to do even that. I had to change, I wanted out.

Where am I now? Dodging toxic relationships like a mug lol. Doing so by being a good investor. I was good at investing but not a good investor, if that makes sense. Praying about those I allow in my space, surrounding myself around others who share the same interests, and simply not being afraid to be Tysheira, Ty, TyTy all day every day, haha. What about you? Are you currently struggling with this or have in the past, how did you make it through? Let me know in the comments.

 

As always, leave inspired!

Writing Helped Me Heal

I think that it is important for us to find something healthy to help us during the healing process. For me, writing is what started it all. I was not always a good writer nor did I ever think that I would like it. I enjoy writing because it allows me to have the freedom to allow my thoughts to be as loud as they want to be without saying anything verbally. There are times, in which I know you will agree, that something is on your mind but you cannot verbally put it all together. Writing becomes your best friend during that time, don’t you agree?

In 2016 during my last semester of college, I took a creative writing course. I did not know that I would be good at it, but I figured that I would be based on the thoughts of my third-grade teacher. Apparently, I did not follow directions for a writing assignment and end up writing about a snowman on the beach, haha. I still have no idea where I was going with that. Anyway, this is where the first steps of my healing process began.

We wrote short stories, poems, and other creative things – sorry I can’t remember much about it. All I know is I came alive during the poetry theme of the class. My pieces were based on the pain that derived from a love that I carried with me for quite some time. Although I was hurting, I was not strong enough to face the person to tell them, so I left it all of the paper. It got real when I had to perform in front of classmates and friends at a local coffee shop at the end of the semester.

There was no warning of the language because it was my art. I needed those words to express my pain – the pieces wouldn’t be the same without it. Healing came quickly in two poems that were about two pages long. It felt like I was speaking directly to the individual – that was the only way I could just get it all out. A healing like this made ya girl feel like she was drinking from the holy fountain, haha.

I knew it worked because eventually, I came face to face with the pain, the individual. I was able to look them straight in the eye and did not feel any rage. I felt peace, finally, I was healed.

Forgiveness and Healing

One of the hardest things that I had to face as an adult is forgiveness. When I think about how hard it is, I ask myself why it is worth it? The things that we face in life at the hands of others can be painful; however, to gain healing requires us to forgive. As I am writing this post, I am reminded of how long it took and will take me to forgive people for failed investments in relationships, betrayal, dishonesty, just to name a few. For me, it was a battlefield between keeping this fiery anger or gaining healing. Yes, it is easy to say go for the healing, but there was something about holding on to the anger that I felt was necessary. Anger taught me a lot about myself. It showed me how invested I am in relationships, that I have resilience as long as the Amazon river, and that I genuinely care about people. When I thought about those great qualities, I could not afford for them to go to waste. There was no way I could allow the ill reflections of others to tear down the genuineness of my being. 

Deciding to forgive forced me to love on myself more. In a blink of an eye, it became easy to leave that up to others. In my case, the pain showed me what was really good, haha.  Of course, I wanted revenge and could not stand to see them go on like nothing happened. But I had to be reminded that you get what you put out and that one thing is for certain, the tables will turn. I decided to forgive because it was the catalyst to propel me into healing. There was no other way, trust me I thought about it! It sucked, it sucked so bad because it made me feel like I had to accept and just deal with it. If you know me, you know that there was no way I could do that – but it was necessary for my healing. If I did not make the moves I needed, I would be trapped mentally asking “what is wrong with me, why did they do this or that, what could I have said or done differently?”

Today, I can look back on some things and just smile. Ultimately, I am thankful for the experiences. It shed light on some dark places where the wrong people were hiding in my life. I have grown and gained more layers of tough skin. In some cases, I was filling up pillowcases of tears and in others, I added more miles on my runs. There is no way to perfect this area because disappointment is inevitable. I will say that knowing this moving forward, I take charge of my time and what I bring to the table in any relationship – whether it is a friendship or romantic. There will be times when we slip and fall, just do not stand down; yet revisit how you slipped in the first place. Trust me, it will make a difference in the choices you make concerning this area.

Enough about my experiences, what about yours? What is your story behind forgiveness in order to receive healing? Do you still struggle with making the decision to forgive? Let’s talk about it, feel free to let me know in the comments.

 

Whatever you do, remember to…

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