Another morning session where I have smeared mascara because I have to talk about the difficulties of specific areas of my life. Discussing how I have spent the last three months just wanting to quit everything because of this season of transition and isolation. Not only have the last three months been hard, but this year alone was one of the toughest I’ve had. Literally could not catch a break, just one thing right after another and it all just continued to repeat. We all question it and I think we will for the rest of our lives, “why do bad things happen to good people?”
When we are faced with difficulty, no matter to what extent, we look inwards. “What did I do or not do” may be a question that plagues you as it did for me. I asked that of myself all too often and it got so damn tiring. What happens when the answer isn’t you at all? Can I find any reason to put myself to blame, I often thought.
I had to transition. I could no longer be a follower – I never played that role too well anyway. Not a follower in a sense of doing exactly what someone else is doing, but being in all the wrong places with all of the wrong people. Engaging in activities and conversations that did not serve me well, and honestly went against anything I ever stood for.
I’m sitting here, in the most comfortable seat ever, just bawllllliiinnnng my eyes out because I have to be uncomfortable with the fact that being me is gonna cause isolation. Isolation from those I once knew and deading the ideas I had to take them with me to the top.
She said, “you know you’re a leader and it’s often hard to be at the top. It’s really lonely at the top Ty. You got things to do in this world, in which you will be successful, but this is the bottom where you are and have to go through – it’s all a part of the process.”
Ugh! I hate this part – those words were great and all, but this shit is hard! I have to keep climbing even though I’m just tired.
I got distracted by the expectations. I was building a tribe full of individuals that were half-assed invested and disloyal, of course, it didn’t survive. That wasn’t my tribe, and here’s yet another thing I have to transition from. I could ramble on and on about how I am uncomfortable in this season, but I am learning something incredible – the art of it all.
See here’s the thing, you don’t go through the storms in life and not see the sunshine at the end. Everything happens for a reason and it prepares you for what’s to come. Nothing about being removed from your comfort zone into loneliness is exciting, but it’s needed right now because of where you’re headed. I needed the storms to humble and prepare me. I have no idea where I’m going and what I’ll be doing, but I know its WAAAY bigger than me. I like to live simply and I hardly ask for much, but these gifts that I carry on the inside requires me to be a little stronger and wiser.