How God “checked” Me

I woke up today for prayer at 6:30am, and God knows I really didn’t want to sacrifice my sleep. But I knew that there had been things troubling my spirit and we needed to talk. I got up, called in for prayer and I sat silent. For the past two weeks, I’ve been silent with God. It’s not like me to do that but when it happens I know I stumbled somewhere in my Faith.

Keeping in real, I’ve been frustrated. I look over my life and see that I’ve accomplished so much, yet feel that I had not accomplished much of anything. Some may read this and say, but you have xyz; however, what they don’t know are my deepest desires that I fear of not retrieving. Lately, it has been literally in my face each day – someone having something that I desire to have. I pray day and night about these things and how I can prepare for them. Whether it’s a specific house, man, the right friends, or opportunities,just to name a few.

I grew frustrated because I felt that I deserved those things, even before those who received them. I’ve worked hard- I mean real hard on myself and now I have to sit and watch others have what I want, nah that’s dead lol. God knew my heart, but I was pissed ! After spending time just being mad and disgusted with how my life was going in certain areas, God “checked” me and he did it real good.

Many of you may stop reading at this point because you may not relate or don’t share the same faith as mine, that’s cool but I got an assignment to fulfill.

God checked me with two verses that I discovered while spending time with him this morning. The first scripture is Matthew 10:32 “if anyone acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will openly acknowledge that person before my father in heaven.” God spoke to me two years ago about blogging and he wanted the blog to be about my relationship with him. At first I was all about it, but then I grew weary of not having people to read it and it being a “flop.” I worried about everything and never did what he told me to. This scripture checked me because I’ve done this more times that I can count. I chose to not acknowledge God or my faith in order to have my chance with some guy or to fit in just to have friends, or to have a great chance of some man-made opportunity.

I noticed how lonely I became because I had such a strong relationship with God but kept it in secret.

The second verse that checked me was Galatians 6:7-10, I’m not gonna type it all out, but if you get the chance to read it you’ll see what I mean. As you read earlier, I grew frustrated because I seen others have what I wanted. I thought that by me getting rid of folks and keeping away from certain lifestyles that in a snap of a finger I would have my heart desires. Nahhhhh, it doesn’t happen like that, apparently. I spoke to a friend of mine from college about this and she said something that stayed with me, “do what is right because it’s the right thing to do not because you want to get a prize at the end.”

That literally wrecked me because that’s what was happening. I will do things and then hold my hands out to God and say, “see what I have done, so what do you have for me?” It was getting crazy and I just had to get my mind and spirit together.

So where do I go from here? I’m gonna still walk on this path and keep moving. I’ve gotten distracted along the way and I had to bounce back, but I’m humbled. God coming in to wreck my situation and get me in check is what I needed. Stay tuned because it’s more coming this is just part 1.

Pay Attention

It’s so easy to get distracted. We all have goals and dreams that we want to see, but distraction becomes a road blocker. Recently, I’ve been all into myself. Like REAL into myself. Started paying attention to what I was thinking, how I was feeling, what I was attracted to and the list could go on. What I found out was that my taste changed.

I no longer desired the same people or things – I was into some top shelf stuff! I started researching places to travel solo, started forming connections with people in other career interests and hobbies I’d enjoy. When being serviced, I stopped cheating myself and went for quality because I had to keep my investment game strong! I fed into my cravings because they were healthy. I’m not just talking about food, but my cravings for specific conversations, my idea of spontaneous acts and simply just doing what made me feel good.

I realized that most things were not what they seemed. People reneged and fell backwards. Had I been so into any and everything else besides myself I wouldn’t have caught it. Although I explained and express my concerns – individuals still didn’t change. Some experiences weren’t really worth it lol. When I look at things now, I can truly see that I wasn’t focused.

Take time not just after reading this post but everyday to truly pay attention. Stop giving so much of your time to the trends of this world and what’s going happening on social media. Your life is important. Your time is important. The best way to truly learn is to direct your attention to what’s happening inside and around you.

Show Up for Yourself

Recently, I started a 30 day self-care journey on IG. My initial thought was to get others involved and make a movement for self-care. Of course, no one joined me but that didn’t stop me from my vision of showing up for myself. How often do we realize that we are so concerned for the welfare of others but not for ourselves? Maybe you haven’t noticed because you don’t give yourself the time of day.

See I want to change that – not just for others but for myself. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ve seen me discuss my season of transition and isolation. Part of that is because I just need time for myself. I’ve always been what everyone else needed : social worker, therapist, life coach, big sister, shero etc. Truth is I haven’t even showed up this much for myself. I take the blame for that because I had expectations. I thought that if I held my heart out in my hands that others would see and give the same in return.

Not that I did those things for recognition but I forgot that others don’t have the same heart as I do. When you are used to wearing many hats it’s hard to pull away. It was necessary because I haven’t been front and center at attention in my own life. Why do we feel so guilty for taking care of ourselves? Some think it’s selfish and that it’s always a negative thing. What would it take to show up for yourself?

Don’t let the misuse of others push you to do that when you can began today to make it a habit. See that’s what happened to me. I allowed people to take what they needed without demanding a return on my investment. Please learn from my mistake. Value and honor yourself because you are worth so much. If you want to start a journey to self-care and don’t know how, think of ways you can show up for yourself each day.