Picking up right where we left off…. the Love that is Hard. All of us have been there. It’s that love that happens so easily. Everything is going good. You and your partner are vibing with one another and simply enjoying one another. Then all of a sudden something bad comes. You think you get over it but you don’t and the bad becomes a repeated cycle on both ends. The relationship swiftly turns to the ugly and everyone else can see it but the two people in it. This is a love that you fought with every fiber in your body for, but was over before it started. For the purposes of this blog and my personal journey with the love that is hard, let’s call this love Second Bae.
Second Bae was a love I experienced during a very vital time in my life, college. College is already such a self-defining moment for most young adults so imagine tacking on a very committed long distance relationship to the mix. I don’t know how I did it but I did, for about my entire undergraduate career. Second Bae is someone that will always hold some sort of place in my heart simply because of the role he played in shaping me into the millennial girl boss I am today (intentionally and unintentionally).
This was a love I felt was comfortable. During this love, because of my comfortability I was able to be more of myself and actually hit the ground running in some aspects of a relationship that I didn’t allow myself to with First Bae. Since I experienced Second Bae during college and had much more freedom, I was able to experience what dates were and choosing to spend time with your significant other. Due to the nature of the relationship, this mostly meant me traveling to him for the weekend or vice versa. I was a better communicator with him because before we loved each other intimately we loved each other deeply as friends and understood one another. Because of this comfortability within this love, it had me doubting what my love with First Bae even was. It had me saying, “This love is forever and always” (literally saying that) and I with every fiber in me again, meaning it.
This was a love that we did talk about goals and dreams mostly because we both were in spaces that we had to think beyond high school and figure out what was next. We stayed up long nights having deep conversations that ranged from being therapeutic all the way too educational. One of the reasons why I feel so deeply in love with him was because of all the wisdom he brought with him. The conversation that I am the most thankful for till this day is saving! If you don’t know anything about me, understand that I AM A SAVER! (read my blog post Sis Is Getting Her Coins In Order to learn my saving tips). I mostly attribute this skill to him because he made me realize the value in having a savings account and not frivolously spending my money just because I had it.
But with all good things came the not so good things. During this love, I was completely vulnerable. I was completely at mercy of my partner and he never at one point even asked me to be. I just did it willingly because I thought that’s what you do when you love someone. This vulnerability brought out the worse in both of us and essentially created a toxic environment that neither one of us deserved to be in. Did we realize we both deserved more? No, mostly because we wanted to hold on to the potential of each other and the relationship we had been fighting so hard for. We hated the idea of seeing each other with anyone else so we put up with each other’s crap and convinced ourselves we were making it work and that we were happy.
The bad also brought self-doubt and infidelity into our relationship which in turn was the reason for the swift downfall. The ending of this relationship was not as organic as it was with First Bae mostly because more was on the line. This was a relationship I fought long and hard for and I couldn’t fathom the fact of someone else reaping the benefit of something or someone I felt I created (how arrogant of me right? Creating a WHOLE human being LOL). The ending of this relationship was hard…. VERY HARD! I was the weakest I have ever been in my life mentally and physically. I could not imagine Second Bae as a distant memory until in fact, he was! It took me meeting Third Bae (post coming next week) to really understand what I wanted and what I was missing in Love. This is no pun intended to him because we both lacked attributes that could immensely please the other “forever and always.” For this, I equally take part in the reasoning for our cold, hard, exhausting, and dreadful breakup.
What did this love do for me? This was a love that made me a better woman. This was a love that made me dig deep and pull myself out of a very broken and dark place. This was a love that is pivotal in my millennial girl boss journey because I learned the true meaning of forgiveness. This was a love that was hard but I still commend myself for coming out better on the other side of it. This was a love that I still till this day sometimes get angry at myself for being a person I can’t even recognize now. This was a love that taught me to always choose me. This was a love that taught me how to love and affirm myself thoroughly. This was simply put a love that I’ll never take for granted.
Letter to Second Bae: Even though we don’t speak often, thank you and I’m rooting for you! You will be a great man for someone some day and I’ve finally realized that someone was never me and will never be me. Ironically, like the quote from one of our favorite Drake songs from the summer that started it all says, “they always say the hottest love has the coldest end.”
“One’s first love is always perfect until one meets one’s second love.” ―Elizabeth Aston, The Exploits & Adventures of Miss Alethea Darcy