I Can Apologize Because I’m Humbled

I know we all had our fair share of moments when we did not want to apologize because, let’s be real you wasn’t really trying to let go of your pride. I’m not exempt either and I have to say that there were a lot of things I had to apologize for which humbled the ish out of me.

I won’t use names for the sake of privacy but I’m going to be real like always. This isn’t written because I can’t say these words face to face, but writing has been a therapeutic outlet for me. I usually like to let my pen do the talking since I’m better at written communication anyways.

Here I go….

Sis, I’m sorry that I ruined our friendship because I was bitter. My life was crashing and I watched yours rise to the top – so it seemed. At that time, I couldn’t understand how things flowed for you, but what I can say is that I truly do miss ya. Social media is cool in how it provides people to be connected, yet not really connected. I’m glad to see that it seems you’re doing good, I hope that someday soon we’ll connect in real life. You were always someone I felt could be my best friend forever.

Mr. Muncho Man, I can’t take the blame for everything that went wrong, but I can say that I’m sorry for how I handled things. You loved me and loved me hard, but I wanted you to be something that you weren’t at the time. When I look back now, I’m reminded of how you loved and it was so different from mine. You never wanted to change me, but your focus was elsewhere too. I’m sorry that I hurt you in ways that took you forever to recover. I had my own fears and anxieties and didn’t mean to put them on you. I see you’re doing well and that’s truly all I could ever hope for. Wish you the best with everything.

My faraway love, sheesh, you literally had me living one the love scenes in a movie. It was like everything I wanted right in my face during the most risk taking part of my life. You showed me the beauty of language and being a servant, I thank you for that. I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready and didn’t use the right words to explain how I felt. I hope that you forgive me for leaving without a trace when you needed me the most. I can’t get that time back but I’m thankful for what it provided.

Lady T the most beautiful face I see every morning. I’m sorry girl. I’m sorry that I allowed the wrong people to take advantage of the right things because of low self-esteem and fear of all things unknown. I’m sorry I kept you in places that hurt your heart like chalk screeching on a chalk board. I’m sorry I was not kind to your mind by feeding it negativity because life just seemed so damn dark. I’m sorry I didn’t let you fully explore yourself because of some all American Dream I tried to keep up with. Please be patient with me as I am trying my best to recover, heal, and love better.

Writing Helped Me Heal

I think that it is important for us to find something healthy to help us during the healing process. For me, writing is what started it all. I was not always a good writer nor did I ever think that I would like it. I enjoy writing because it allows me to have the freedom to allow my thoughts to be as loud as they want to be without saying anything verbally. There are times, in which I know you will agree, that something is on your mind but you cannot verbally put it all together. Writing becomes your best friend during that time, don’t you agree?

In 2016 during my last semester of college, I took a creative writing course. I did not know that I would be good at it, but I figured that I would be based on the thoughts of my third-grade teacher. Apparently, I did not follow directions for a writing assignment and end up writing about a snowman on the beach, haha. I still have no idea where I was going with that. Anyway, this is where the first steps of my healing process began.

We wrote short stories, poems, and other creative things – sorry I can’t remember much about it. All I know is I came alive during the poetry theme of the class. My pieces were based on the pain that derived from a love that I carried with me for quite some time. Although I was hurting, I was not strong enough to face the person to tell them, so I left it all of the paper. It got real when I had to perform in front of classmates and friends at a local coffee shop at the end of the semester.

There was no warning of the language because it was my art. I needed those words to express my pain – the pieces wouldn’t be the same without it. Healing came quickly in two poems that were about two pages long. It felt like I was speaking directly to the individual – that was the only way I could just get it all out. A healing like this made ya girl feel like she was drinking from the holy fountain, haha.

I knew it worked because eventually, I came face to face with the pain, the individual. I was able to look them straight in the eye and did not feel any rage. I felt peace, finally, I was healed.

Forgiveness and Healing

One of the hardest things that I had to face as an adult is forgiveness. When I think about how hard it is, I ask myself why it is worth it? The things that we face in life at the hands of others can be painful; however, to gain healing requires us to forgive. As I am writing this post, I am reminded of how long it took and will take me to forgive people for failed investments in relationships, betrayal, dishonesty, just to name a few. For me, it was a battlefield between keeping this fiery anger or gaining healing. Yes, it is easy to say go for the healing, but there was something about holding on to the anger that I felt was necessary. Anger taught me a lot about myself. It showed me how invested I am in relationships, that I have resilience as long as the Amazon river, and that I genuinely care about people. When I thought about those great qualities, I could not afford for them to go to waste. There was no way I could allow the ill reflections of others to tear down the genuineness of my being. 

Deciding to forgive forced me to love on myself more. In a blink of an eye, it became easy to leave that up to others. In my case, the pain showed me what was really good, haha.  Of course, I wanted revenge and could not stand to see them go on like nothing happened. But I had to be reminded that you get what you put out and that one thing is for certain, the tables will turn. I decided to forgive because it was the catalyst to propel me into healing. There was no other way, trust me I thought about it! It sucked, it sucked so bad because it made me feel like I had to accept and just deal with it. If you know me, you know that there was no way I could do that – but it was necessary for my healing. If I did not make the moves I needed, I would be trapped mentally asking “what is wrong with me, why did they do this or that, what could I have said or done differently?”

Today, I can look back on some things and just smile. Ultimately, I am thankful for the experiences. It shed light on some dark places where the wrong people were hiding in my life. I have grown and gained more layers of tough skin. In some cases, I was filling up pillowcases of tears and in others, I added more miles on my runs. There is no way to perfect this area because disappointment is inevitable. I will say that knowing this moving forward, I take charge of my time and what I bring to the table in any relationship – whether it is a friendship or romantic. There will be times when we slip and fall, just do not stand down; yet revisit how you slipped in the first place. Trust me, it will make a difference in the choices you make concerning this area.

Enough about my experiences, what about yours? What is your story behind forgiveness in order to receive healing? Do you still struggle with making the decision to forgive? Let’s talk about it, feel free to let me know in the comments.

 

Whatever you do, remember to…

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