How God “checked” Me

I woke up today for prayer at 6:30am, and God knows I really didn’t want to sacrifice my sleep. But I knew that there had been things troubling my spirit and we needed to talk. I got up, called in for prayer and I sat silent. For the past two weeks, I’ve been silent with God. It’s not like me to do that but when it happens I know I stumbled somewhere in my Faith.

Keeping in real, I’ve been frustrated. I look over my life and see that I’ve accomplished so much, yet feel that I had not accomplished much of anything. Some may read this and say, but you have xyz; however, what they don’t know are my deepest desires that I fear of not retrieving. Lately, it has been literally in my face each day – someone having something that I desire to have. I pray day and night about these things and how I can prepare for them. Whether it’s a specific house, man, the right friends, or opportunities,just to name a few.

I grew frustrated because I felt that I deserved those things, even before those who received them. I’ve worked hard- I mean real hard on myself and now I have to sit and watch others have what I want, nah that’s dead lol. God knew my heart, but I was pissed ! After spending time just being mad and disgusted with how my life was going in certain areas, God “checked” me and he did it real good.

Many of you may stop reading at this point because you may not relate or don’t share the same faith as mine, that’s cool but I got an assignment to fulfill.

God checked me with two verses that I discovered while spending time with him this morning. The first scripture is Matthew 10:32 “if anyone acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will openly acknowledge that person before my father in heaven.” God spoke to me two years ago about blogging and he wanted the blog to be about my relationship with him. At first I was all about it, but then I grew weary of not having people to read it and it being a “flop.” I worried about everything and never did what he told me to. This scripture checked me because I’ve done this more times that I can count. I chose to not acknowledge God or my faith in order to have my chance with some guy or to fit in just to have friends, or to have a great chance of some man-made opportunity.

I noticed how lonely I became because I had such a strong relationship with God but kept it in secret.

The second verse that checked me was Galatians 6:7-10, I’m not gonna type it all out, but if you get the chance to read it you’ll see what I mean. As you read earlier, I grew frustrated because I seen others have what I wanted. I thought that by me getting rid of folks and keeping away from certain lifestyles that in a snap of a finger I would have my heart desires. Nahhhhh, it doesn’t happen like that, apparently. I spoke to a friend of mine from college about this and she said something that stayed with me, “do what is right because it’s the right thing to do not because you want to get a prize at the end.”

That literally wrecked me because that’s what was happening. I will do things and then hold my hands out to God and say, “see what I have done, so what do you have for me?” It was getting crazy and I just had to get my mind and spirit together.

So where do I go from here? I’m gonna still walk on this path and keep moving. I’ve gotten distracted along the way and I had to bounce back, but I’m humbled. God coming in to wreck my situation and get me in check is what I needed. Stay tuned because it’s more coming this is just part 1.

Transitions Are Hard

Another morning session where I have smeared mascara because I have to talk about the difficulties of specific areas of my life. Discussing how I have spent the last three months just wanting to quit everything because of this season of transition and isolation. Not only have the last three months been hard, but this year alone was one of the toughest I’ve had. Literally could not catch a break, just one thing right after another and it all just continued to repeat. We all question it and I think we will for the rest of our lives, “why do bad things happen to good people?”

When we are faced with difficulty, no matter to what extent, we look inwards. “What did I do or not do” may be a question that plagues you as it did for me. I asked that of myself all too often and it got so damn tiring. What happens when the answer isn’t you at all? Can I find any reason to put myself to blame, I often thought.

I had to transition. I could no longer be a follower –  I never played that role too well anyway. Not a follower in a sense of doing exactly what someone else is doing, but being in all the wrong places with all of the wrong people. Engaging in activities and conversations that did not serve me well, and honestly went against anything I ever stood for.

I’m sitting here, in the most comfortable seat ever, just bawllllliiinnnng my eyes out because I have to be uncomfortable with the fact that being me is gonna cause isolation. Isolation from those I once knew and deading the ideas I had to take them with me to the top.

She said, “you know you’re a leader and its often hard to be at the top. It’s really lonely at the top Ty. You got things to do in this world, in which you will be successful, but this is the bottom where you are and have to go through – its all a part of the process.”

Ugh! I hate this part – those words were great and all, but this shit is hard! I have to keep climbing even though I’m just tired.

I got distracted by the expectations. I was building a tribe full of individuals that were half-assed invested and disloyal, of course, it didn’t survive. That wasn’t my tribe, and here’s yet another thing I have to transition from.  I could ramble on and on about how I am uncomfortable in this season, but I am learning something incredible – the art of it all.

See here’s the thing, you don’t go through the storms in life and not see the sunshine at the end. Everything happens for a reason and it prepares you for what’s to come. Nothing about being removed from your comfort zone into loneliness is exciting, but its needed right now because of where you’re headed. I needed the storms to humble and prepare me. I have no idea where I’m going and what I’ll be doing, but I know its WAAAY bigger than me. I like to live simply and I hardly ask for much, but these gifts that I carry on the inside requires me to be a little stronger and wiser.


Toxic Relationships That We Love

I am sure we all have some experiences of being involved in toxic relationships that were difficult to get rid of. Not by force, but because we actually LOVED those relationships. I know it may sound crazy to love something that is not good for you -the truth is we do it every day. From what we eat to the things that we do to our bodies. This has been an area of my life that held me captive for a long time.

Sure, I asked myself over a thousand times “why do I like being a part of these toxic relationships?” Now when I mention “relationships” I do not mean just romantic but friendships as well. Whew! Not only did it take one, but about three toxic relationships later when I was able to understand why I did. Believe it or not, it was because of hope. I had hope as small as a mustard seed that things would be different or that I could change him/her. But that hope was hiding the root, which was fear.

Yep, I said it fear! I was afraid to let go because I did not think it could get any better for me. I use to say things like, “this is as good as it gets Ty, suck it up and take it or be alone.” Some of you who will read this and know me personally may be surprised that I struggled. I struggled with this fear because I could never fit in. Tried dating the brotha with the gangsta lean, tried befriending the baddest chicks, tried to keep up because I was afraid to stand alone and be different.

How did I get out and make it through? I got tired, and you will too! I got tired of trying to squeeze my square into a circle. I got tired of investing in relationships/friendships that did not serve me well. I became so damn restless, it almost killed me. Matter of fact it did, well parts of me. It killed my dreams, hopes, and desires, I gave it all too much power to do even that. I had to change, I wanted out.

Where am I now? Dodging toxic relationships like a mug lol. Doing so by being a good investor. I was good at investing but not a good investor, if that makes sense. Praying about those I allow in my space, surrounding myself around others who share the same interests, and simply not being afraid to be Tysheira, Ty, TyTy all day every day, haha. What about you? Are you currently struggling with this or have in the past, how did you make it through? Let me know in the comments.


As always, leave inspired!