I Wasn’t the Chosen One, and That’s Ok!

It’s feeling like the black sheep or the last person to be picked for a team. The comparison game begins and in your mind, you’re trying to find anything, something to blame. Often times I felt like this in my romantic relationships and friendships. You see why you’re the best choice or how it can be beneficial, yet you’re still not chosen. I think I’ve searched in and out of myself because in my mind things just did not add up. I’ve had thoughts like… “but this person doesn’t ever call or invite you to anything…. and she doesn’t care about what keeps you up at night or the things you’ve seen in your childhood.” I tried to find a way to blame myself and how I was created because of a “failed opportunity”… or simply just not being “the chosen one.”

It’s hard. It sucks. At the moment, all you can really question is, why? Why wasn’t I what they wanted? I’ve learned that nothing can cure that empty gut-wrenching feeling but time. This was the push I needed to explore more of myself and why I want to dedicate every breath I am granted to choosing myself every day. Sometimes I think that our experiences in life present itself to show the areas where we need to love ourselves the most. For me, I had to learn to stop looking for others to choose me and walk as a chosen being. Yes, we all desire to be wanted and we all want to be somebody’s somebody. But have we given all of that to ourselves? 

I wasn’t the chosen one, and that’s ok because I choose Tysheira. I believe that for everything I longed to be chosen for will come my way again and I’ll do the picking. I’ll make sure that I am not left out of love because it’ll be given every day. I’ll make sure that I don’t feel like I didn’t fit into that friendship because I’ll give myself that. Vowing from this day forward that I will not worry about being chosen by people according to their likes and dislikes. Choosing Tysheira and she’ll always be the top choice!

I Can Apologize Because I’m Humbled

I know we all had our fair share of moments when we did not want to apologize because, let’s be real you wasn’t really trying to let go of your pride. I’m not exempt either and I have to say that there were a lot of things I had to apologize for which humbled the ish out of me.

I won’t use names for the sake of privacy but I’m going to be real like always. This isn’t written because I can’t say these words face to face, but writing has been a therapeutic outlet for me. I usually like to let my pen do the talking since I’m better at written communication anyways.

Here I go….

Sis, I’m sorry that I ruined our friendship because I was bitter. My life was crashing and I watched yours rise to the top – so it seemed. At that time, I couldn’t understand how things flowed for you, but what I can say is that I truly do miss ya. Social media is cool in how it provides people to be connected, yet not really connected. I’m glad to see that it seems you’re doing good, I hope that someday soon we’ll connect in real life. You were always someone I felt could be my best friend forever.

Mr. Muncho Man, I can’t take the blame for everything that went wrong, but I can say that I’m sorry for how I handled things. You loved me and loved me hard, but I wanted you to be something that you weren’t at the time. When I look back now, I’m reminded of how you loved and it was so different from mine. You never wanted to change me, but your focus was elsewhere too. I’m sorry that I hurt you in ways that took you forever to recover. I had my own fears and anxieties and didn’t mean to put them on you. I see you’re doing well and that’s truly all I could ever hope for. Wish you the best with everything.

My faraway love, sheesh, you literally had me living one the love scenes in a movie. It was like everything I wanted right in my face during the most risk taking part of my life. You showed me the beauty of language and being a servant, I thank you for that. I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready and didn’t use the right words to explain how I felt. I hope that you forgive me for leaving without a trace when you needed me the most. I can’t get that time back but I’m thankful for what it provided.

Lady T the most beautiful face I see every morning. I’m sorry girl. I’m sorry that I allowed the wrong people to take advantage of the right things because of low self-esteem and fear of all things unknown. I’m sorry I kept you in places that hurt your heart like chalk screeching on a chalk board. I’m sorry I was not kind to your mind by feeding it negativity because life just seemed so damn dark. I’m sorry I didn’t let you fully explore yourself because of some all American Dream I tried to keep up with. Please be patient with me as I am trying my best to recover, heal, and love better.

Toxic Relationships That We Love

I am sure we all have some experiences of being involved in toxic relationships that were difficult to get rid of. Not by force, but because we actually LOVED those relationships. I know it may sound crazy to love something that is not good for you -the truth is we do it every day. From what we eat to the things that we do to our bodies. This has been an area of my life that held me captive for a long time.

Sure, I asked myself over a thousand times “why do I like being a part of these toxic relationships?” Now when I mention “relationships” I do not mean just romantic but friendships as well. Whew! Not only did it take one, but about three toxic relationships later when I was able to understand why I did. Believe it or not, it was because of hope. I had hope as small as a mustard seed that things would be different or that I could change him/her. But that hope was hiding the root, which was fear.

Yep, I said it fear! I was afraid to let go because I did not think it could get any better for me. I use to say things like, “this is as good as it gets Ty, suck it up and take it or be alone.” Some of you who will read this and know me personally may be surprised that I struggled. I struggled with this fear because I could never fit in. Tried dating the brotha with the gangsta lean, tried befriending the baddest chicks, tried to keep up because I was afraid to stand alone and be different.

How did I get out and make it through? I got tired, and you will too! I got tired of trying to squeeze my square into a circle. I got tired of investing in relationships/friendships that did not serve me well. I became so damn restless, it almost killed me. Matter of fact it did, well parts of me. It killed my dreams, hopes, and desires, I gave it all too much power to do even that. I had to change, I wanted out.

Where am I now? Dodging toxic relationships like a mug lol. Doing so by being a good investor. I was good at investing but not a good investor, if that makes sense. Praying about those I allow in my space, surrounding myself around others who share the same interests, and simply not being afraid to be Tysheira, Ty, TyTy all day every day, haha. What about you? Are you currently struggling with this or have in the past, how did you make it through? Let me know in the comments.

 

As always, leave inspired!