I Wasn’t the Chosen One, and That’s Ok!

It’s feeling like the black sheep or the last person to be picked for a team. The comparison game begins and in your mind, you’re trying to find anything, something to blame. Often times I felt like this in my romantic relationships and friendships. You see why you’re the best choice or how it can be beneficial, yet you’re still not chosen. I think I’ve searched in and out of myself because in my mind things just did not add up. I’ve had thoughts like… “but this person doesn’t ever call or invite you to anything…. and she doesn’t care about what keeps you up at night or the things you’ve seen in your childhood.” I tried to find a way to blame myself and how I was created because of a “failed opportunity”… or simply just not being “the chosen one.”

It’s hard. It sucks. At the moment, all you can really question is, why? Why wasn’t I what they wanted? I’ve learned that nothing can cure that empty gut-wrenching feeling but time. This was the push I needed to explore more of myself and why I want to dedicate every breath I am granted to choosing myself every day. Sometimes I think that our experiences in life present itself to show the areas where we need to love ourselves the most. For me, I had to learn to stop looking for others to choose me and walk as a chosen being. Yes, we all desire to be wanted and we all want to be somebody’s somebody. But have we given all of that to ourselves? 

I wasn’t the chosen one, and that’s ok because I choose Tysheira. I believe that for everything I longed to be chosen for will come my way again and I’ll do the picking. I’ll make sure that I am not left out of love because it’ll be given every day. I’ll make sure that I don’t feel like I didn’t fit into that friendship because I’ll give myself that. Vowing from this day forward that I will not worry about being chosen by people according to their likes and dislikes. Choosing Tysheira and she’ll always be the top choice!

I’m Ending My Relationship

Nothing about this relationship is worth having, but for some reason it’s been hard to leave. In this relationship I feel useless, overlooked, and insecure. I am constantly walking with trembling legs because I never know what is coming next. This relationship has been abusive mentally and emotionally. I have never in my life felt so debilitated. For some reason it’s all I knew, and I have found some form of comfort in it – it became my identity. I am tired. This relationship has not been serving me well. I have missed out on great things and people. I cannot get my mind off it to focus on my dreams and desires, it’s just time for it to end. No more convincing me to believe that you’re right. I do not want to cuddle up with your presence nor feeling the air you breathe on my neck. I do not want to feel your kisses my forehead as if I’ve been the best you ever had. I’ve made up my mind that you can no longer linger in the precious areas of my life. This is over, I’m through. I am ending my relationship with fear.

I Can Apologize Because I’m Humbled

I know we all had our fair share of moments when we did not want to apologize because, let’s be real you wasn’t really trying to let go of your pride. I’m not exempt either and I have to say that there were a lot of things I had to apologize for which humbled the ish out of me.

I won’t use names for the sake of privacy but I’m going to be real like always. This isn’t written because I can’t say these words face to face, but writing has been a therapeutic outlet for me. I usually like to let my pen do the talking since I’m better at written communication anyways.

Here I go….

Sis, I’m sorry that I ruined our friendship because I was bitter. My life was crashing and I watched yours rise to the top – so it seemed. At that time, I couldn’t understand how things flowed for you, but what I can say is that I truly do miss ya. Social media is cool in how it provides people to be connected, yet not really connected. I’m glad to see that it seems you’re doing good, I hope that someday soon we’ll connect in real life. You were always someone I felt could be my best friend forever.

Mr. Muncho Man, I can’t take the blame for everything that went wrong, but I can say that I’m sorry for how I handled things. You loved me and loved me hard, but I wanted you to be something that you weren’t at the time. When I look back now, I’m reminded of how you loved and it was so different from mine. You never wanted to change me, but your focus was elsewhere too. I’m sorry that I hurt you in ways that took you forever to recover. I had my own fears and anxieties and didn’t mean to put them on you. I see you’re doing well and that’s truly all I could ever hope for. Wish you the best with everything.

My faraway love, sheesh, you literally had me living one the love scenes in a movie. It was like everything I wanted right in my face during the most risk taking part of my life. You showed me the beauty of language and being a servant, I thank you for that. I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready and didn’t use the right words to explain how I felt. I hope that you forgive me for leaving without a trace when you needed me the most. I can’t get that time back but I’m thankful for what it provided.

Lady T the most beautiful face I see every morning. I’m sorry girl. I’m sorry that I allowed the wrong people to take advantage of the right things because of low self-esteem and fear of all things unknown. I’m sorry I kept you in places that hurt your heart like chalk screeching on a chalk board. I’m sorry I was not kind to your mind by feeding it negativity because life just seemed so damn dark. I’m sorry I didn’t let you fully explore yourself because of some all American Dream I tried to keep up with. Please be patient with me as I am trying my best to recover, heal, and love better.

How God “checked” Me

I woke up today for prayer at 6:30am, and God knows I really didn’t want to sacrifice my sleep. But I knew that there had been things troubling my spirit and we needed to talk. I got up, called in for prayer and I sat silent. For the past two weeks, I’ve been silent with God. It’s not like me to do that but when it happens I know I stumbled somewhere in my Faith.

Keeping in real, I’ve been frustrated. I look over my life and see that I’ve accomplished so much, yet feel that I had not accomplished much of anything. Some may read this and say, but you have xyz; however, what they don’t know are my deepest desires that I fear of not retrieving. Lately, it has been literally in my face each day – someone having something that I desire to have. I pray day and night about these things and how I can prepare for them. Whether it’s a specific house, man, the right friends, or opportunities,just to name a few.

I grew frustrated because I felt that I deserved those things, even before those who received them. I’ve worked hard- I mean real hard on myself and now I have to sit and watch others have what I want, nah that’s dead lol. God knew my heart, but I was pissed ! After spending time just being mad and disgusted with how my life was going in certain areas, God “checked” me and he did it real good.

Many of you may stop reading at this point because you may not relate or don’t share the same faith as mine, that’s cool but I got an assignment to fulfill.

God checked me with two verses that I discovered while spending time with him this morning. The first scripture is Matthew 10:32 “if anyone acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will openly acknowledge that person before my father in heaven.” God spoke to me two years ago about blogging and he wanted the blog to be about my relationship with him. At first I was all about it, but then I grew weary of not having people to read it and it being a “flop.” I worried about everything and never did what he told me to. This scripture checked me because I’ve done this more times that I can count. I chose to not acknowledge God or my faith in order to have my chance with some guy or to fit in just to have friends, or to have a great chance of some man-made opportunity.

I noticed how lonely I became because I had such a strong relationship with God but kept it in secret.

The second verse that checked me was Galatians 6:7-10, I’m not gonna type it all out, but if you get the chance to read it you’ll see what I mean. As you read earlier, I grew frustrated because I seen others have what I wanted. I thought that by me getting rid of folks and keeping away from certain lifestyles that in a snap of a finger I would have my heart desires. Nahhhhh, it doesn’t happen like that, apparently. I spoke to a friend of mine from college about this and she said something that stayed with me, “do what is right because it’s the right thing to do not because you want to get a prize at the end.”

That literally wrecked me because that’s what was happening. I will do things and then hold my hands out to God and say, “see what I have done, so what do you have for me?” It was getting crazy and I just had to get my mind and spirit together.

So where do I go from here? I’m gonna still walk on this path and keep moving. I’ve gotten distracted along the way and I had to bounce back, but I’m humbled. God coming in to wreck my situation and get me in check is what I needed. Stay tuned because it’s more coming this is just part 1.

Toxic Relationships That We Love

I am sure we all have some experiences of being involved in toxic relationships that were difficult to get rid of. Not by force, but because we actually LOVED those relationships. I know it may sound crazy to love something that is not good for you -the truth is we do it every day. From what we eat to the things that we do to our bodies. This has been an area of my life that held me captive for a long time.

Sure, I asked myself over a thousand times “why do I like being a part of these toxic relationships?” Now when I mention “relationships” I do not mean just romantic but friendships as well. Whew! Not only did it take one, but about three toxic relationships later when I was able to understand why I did. Believe it or not, it was because of hope. I had hope as small as a mustard seed that things would be different or that I could change him/her. But that hope was hiding the root, which was fear.

Yep, I said it fear! I was afraid to let go because I did not think it could get any better for me. I use to say things like, “this is as good as it gets Ty, suck it up and take it or be alone.” Some of you who will read this and know me personally may be surprised that I struggled. I struggled with this fear because I could never fit in. Tried dating the brotha with the gangsta lean, tried befriending the baddest chicks, tried to keep up because I was afraid to stand alone and be different.

How did I get out and make it through? I got tired, and you will too! I got tired of trying to squeeze my square into a circle. I got tired of investing in relationships/friendships that did not serve me well. I became so damn restless, it almost killed me. Matter of fact it did, well parts of me. It killed my dreams, hopes, and desires, I gave it all too much power to do even that. I had to change, I wanted out.

Where am I now? Dodging toxic relationships like a mug lol. Doing so by being a good investor. I was good at investing but not a good investor, if that makes sense. Praying about those I allow in my space, surrounding myself around others who share the same interests, and simply not being afraid to be Tysheira, Ty, TyTy all day every day, haha. What about you? Are you currently struggling with this or have in the past, how did you make it through? Let me know in the comments.

 

As always, leave inspired!